Very Unusual Start Up Issue

Hey all! The problem I'm experiencing is very odd... Whenever I try to boot Creo Parametric 2.0, nothing happens for about 30 seconds (an eon on this reasonably high end desktop). Then, suddenly, a small dialogue box appears. At the top of the box it has a yellow triangle with an exclamation point and the word "message". In the content portion of the box it has another, larger yellow triangle with an exclamation point followed again by "Message" and an "OK" button. A picture of this is attached. It only ever stays on screen for about 3 seconds. Creo 2.0 never loads.

Notes:

• When I boot creo two processes are created and can be seen in the task manager... xtop.exe using about 11,400 K RAM and parametric.exe using about 3,200 K RAM. They disappear right before the dialogue box appears. These are the only obvious processes associated with Creo.
• I have not run Creo on this computer yet successfully.
• This happens for the other Creo 2.0 programs, but the name of the second process above changes accordingly.
• Whatever is going wrong is happening before any sort of liscense check; I'm using a liscense server through my University and whether or not I'm connected to their VPN I have this problem. Its not a licensing thing I'm pretty sure because not even a local license worked (trial license).
• I've tried uninstalling and reinstalling. I've tried reinstalling with and without every permutation of services and programs. I've tried installing with QA and without. I've tried disabling QA after installing everything.
• Potentially it could have something to do with the files associated with the install that were provided by my university, but I used the same files to successfully install on my laptop and countless hundreds of other students have found success with those installation files. I do wish there was a way to download genuine Creo 2.0 through PTC without having to buy it. (Is there? That might be worth a shot)

My computer:

• Intel i7 3770 (quad core at 3.4 GHz)
• 16 GB DDR3 RAM at 1600 MHz
• EVGA GTX 670 FTW (2GB, GPU clock around 1,100 MHz)
• Windows 7 Professional, 64bit

Thank you all for any ideas! I'm so stuck- At this point there is no such thing as a bad idea.